


For effs' sake Takao

by WInger



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Gen, Grievances, Humor, M/M, Oha-Asa Horoscope, POV First Person, Texting, valentines day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 06:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9806807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WInger/pseuds/WInger
Summary: What Midorima really thinks when you ask him stupid questions.Ft. all-round nice guy Kagami, Cupids-in-hiding and ungrateful recipients of Valentines chocolates---So what if it’s a women’s garter? I’m judging from the scale of your reaction that you don’t even know what it’s actually for. It’s not something perverted, you uncultured moron. And I’m not telling you until you give it back sogive it back. Takao.---





	

**Author's Note:**

> Simultaneously distributing advices and being petty is a talent only for prodigies. 
> 
>  
> 
> _READ IN DAISUKE ONO’S “What? Impossible. No!” VOICE FOR MAXIMUM EFFECT_

  _Oha-Asa Horoscope ~14 February 2017~_

_Ever so well-connected, today’s bound to be an eventful day for Cancers! Remember to drink plenty of liquids to keep hydrated from eating all that sweet wishes coming your way today!_

_Lucky item of the day: Garter_

* * *

 

_Hey is that lacey underwear sticking out of your pocket, Shin-chan?_

 

Please refrain from making completely unfounded statements at that obnoxiously loud volume in our school’s packed hallway first thing in the morning, Takao. I would have expected you to know me long enough to remember that I hate every single thing that previous statement constituted: people, loud voices, ridiculous accusations, and you. But to be fair, better men then you don't necessarily remember all the tics of another person either – case in point: myself, who should have remembered your penchant for reacting like a liberated monkey when you encounter anything as mature as _women’s clothing_. I should have left the garter in its packaging after all. In light of that I suppose I’ll have no choice but to pardon you, since we’re both only human, and you’re a lesser man than me. 

Please refrain from running up to me and throwing your entire body weight behind the act of tacking your arm around my neck. You are aware that I, alongside every other tall person in the world, hate it when shorter people do that. We’re not-

Give that back. Give that back right now, Takao. Stop screaming and dancing like an excited chimpanzee. Yes it’s- No it’s not lacy underwear you fool. I don’t care if you’ve never seen one nor do I care that you think I’ve seen one; just give it back. It’s mine. You _know_ what it is. It’s my Oha-Asa lucky item, obviously, and this is hardly the first time my Oha-Asa lucky item is catered towards female audiences so stop acting like you don’t know. So what if it’s a women’s garter? I’m judging from the scale of your reaction that you don’t even know what it’s actually for. It’s not something perverted, you uncultured moron. And I’m not telling you until you give it back so give it back. Takao _._

Fine, run if you want. No, I don’t care even if the whole school thinks I’ve got some perverted fetish – which I don’t; and with you alone, propagating some stupid unfounded idea, no one’s going to believe you for long anyway. Everyone knows I only care about basketball, you fool.  

* * *

 

_Couldn’t help but notice that your locker isn’t bursting with chocolates today, Shin-chan!_

 

How observant of you, Takao. Putting that Hawk Eye to good use as usual. I feel obligated to inform you that nobody’s lockers ever “bursts” with anything, so you should stop using these highly inaccurate metaphors, they're really annoying; then again, we’re not on speaking terms until you give me back my garter. Furthermore the only way you’ll be able to know how full my locker is if you’ve actually opened it to see, which you did, didn’t you? For heaven’s sake stop doing that. Go back to your own locker. Go check on your Valentines chocolates. Leave mine alone. Leave me alone – after you give back my garter.

For your information my locker in Teiko was always _filled_ to the brim with chocolates every fourteenth of February, not that I cared, nor ate any of it. You do realize these home-baked chocolates have a higher probability of giving you food poisoning because they aren’t put through any form of regulation? Kise eats his. Why do you think his intelligence took such a hit in high school?

No, I don’t give anyone chocolates back on White Day. Where on earth did you get that ridiculous preposition from? You must really not know me. I never get besotted with the whims and desires of ordinary men such as those, Takao. But I quite understand that it’s not easy for the ordinary man to understand the thoughts of extraordinary man. 

My garter then, fool?

* * *

 

_You have one new message from _POWER FUcker_ (@ Seirin)!_

POWER FUcker _(11.45 AM):_ hey why are boys receiving chocolates today and why do I have a box from Aomine and what’s Kise’s address?

 

I see you have many questions for me, Kagami Taiga, but so do I, and first of them is why in the fuck are you asking me? I believe this is a case of you confusing us for friends. Are you expecting me to simply dish out information for you to adjust to your Japanese cultural shock – which you still haven’t gotten over, I might add? Ask your captain.

 

POWER FUcker  _(11.45 AM):_ so do I have to send some back to him?

 

Even a baboon can tell that Aomine didn’t send those fucking chocolates; I suggest you immediately toss them into a biohazard bin so that school management can incinerate it. Most likely someone around him - like his manager - did it as a prank, and the chocolates are without a doubt inedible. Don’t eat them; if you really can’t bear to see food go to waste, give it to the dog.  

So I see you’ve gotten into my phone, Takao. Again. Unfortunately my photographic memory ensures that I still recognize everyone by their phone numbers and goddamned display pictures, you massive dolt, but will it satisfy you enough to return my garter if I make a surprised face every single time someone texts me anything? 

* * *

 

_You have one new message from Smallbut Fuckworthy (@ Kaijo)!_

Smallbut Fuckworthy _(12.32 PM):_ why did Kagamicchi just send me vday chocs? … lol

 

Well why do boys bully girls, Kise? More importantly, why are you asking me? I’m baffled that Kagami thinks I would answer him, but you really have no excuse. You’ve had three years – slightly less, I’ll give – in middle school to understand that we’re not friends. We were just teammates, and right now we’re not even that. It seems like the issues impairing your comprehension ability still exists, and beyond telling you to stop eating those Valentines Day chocolates, which I have done, numerous times, there really is nothing else for me to say.

Perhaps you’re not really expecting an answer but instead taking this opportunity to show off, that somehow you’re extra special today because boys are you sending chocolates as well? Well then double on the sentiment in my previous paragraph, Kise – I don’t fucking care. 

And Takao, if all you’ve done is change “forward” into variations of “fuck” then I’ve got to say I’m disappointed that that’s all your capable of. I’m not showing you my phone. Of course I’ve changed the fucking passcode again; no need to act so surprised. You knew I would. I’m not going to show you my messages; it’s not from girls- But by all means feel free to think girls are texting me. Whatever. Who cares? You know what I care about? The garter.

* * *

 

Give it back. This has gone on long enough. You know I encounter life-threatening dangers when I don’t have my lucky item of the day with me!!

* * *

 

_Alright Shin-chan… You’re a prideful person, I understand. Sucks balls that you haven’t even gotten a single box halfway through the school day, but no worries!! The eldest sister of yours truly has just the thing to save your day! Ta-da!! Take it – no need to thank me, Shin-chan!_

 

No way in hell I would I be thanking your for this horrendous- Atrocious box- _Monstrosity-_ What? Take it back! I don’t want it! No, I do not care about "cute"- I don't understand what "cute" is- _Get it away from me this is embarrassing!_ Stop- No! _No!_ Get back here, Takao!! With my garter! You don’t even have an _elder_ sister, Takao; dear god, spare me from his further antics. I’ve decided that I’m not speaking to you anymore until you give me back. I’m skipping lunch, Takao!

 _Takao!_ I don’t want these chocolates!

* * *

 

...

There are eighteen chocolates. Excluding a single heart-shaped one, the remaining 17… spell out my name. It pains me to have to borrow Kise’s vocabulary to describe my current feeling, but that’s _gross_. Especially so in the light that you don’t have an elder sister and I really, for the life of me, cannot figure where you procured these chocolates _that spell out_   _my name_ from _,_ Takao. All my efforts only conjure up the most disturbing scenarios, which are not at all helpful as I’m trying to eat them at present. 

Yes I’m trying to eat them. If I hadn’t skipped lunch out of spite for you I wouldn’t be in this situation. My bento was missing from my bag and locker and I know you took it, Takao, you immature overgrown brat. Don’t get the wrong impression. I’m not doing this for yours or your imaginary elder sister’s sake. This is purely so that my body can get energy from sugars; with the type of mental and physical exertion I put it through daily, it’s no wonder I need more fuel than the ordinary men. I’m still angry with you.

* * *

 

 _You have three new messages from POWER FUcker_   _(_ @ _Seirin)!_

POWER FUcker _(2.22 PM):_ okay so I sent one back to him right taking advantage of our school’s special high-speed free chocolate delivery service today and he just sent me a fucking rejection text. “Reject” he said. Well what’s that fucker’s problem?? Isn’t this a Japanese culture thing? I was just returning the favor like you said I should, because I’m the victory of the Winter Cup and you guys are all the losers, right?? I would send it to Akashi and Murasakibara as well as Tatsuya but our school’s service is limited to Tokyo only. How does a bastard as ignorant as him make it to this age?? 

POWER FUcker _(2.22 PM):_ I sent some to Kise too and I’m assuming since Aomine’s gotten them then he’s received them too but I haven’t yet received a single word of thanks from that ungrateful brat. Christ how is that you guys true-blue Japanese are less aware about Jap culture than I am?

POWER FUcker  _(2.22 PM):_ Oh yeah what’s your address? I haven’t sent you any yet because I didn’t have it

 

Let’s not go around spreading the misinformation that I was the one who told you about our country’s Valentine’s Day customs, when in fact I did no such thing. You never outright asked me, and I really do not wish to be on the receiving end of the awkward questions from my ex-middle school teammates. Surely you understand that none of us enjoys speaking to one another any more than necessary. So for the record I never told you to send Aomine back anything. I told you that it’s unlikely Aomine himself sent them to you _and_ told you to trash it _or_ feed the dog. Clearly you chose to completely disregard the things I said.  

To be honest I’m not sure why you hold such great fascination with our country’s Valentine’s Day customs. Speaking as a “true-blue Japanese”, on this day high school girls purchase packaged chocolates from convenience stores, melt them down, reshape them with silicon molds, repackage them and give them to boys to confess their secret admiration. You realize this is all just one great marketing scheme?  They never taste good, I must say, and regretfully I speak from experience. In response to basic bodily needs - a moment of unavoidable weakness - I had some from Takao earlier; the taste was so off-putting that I've decided to swear off chocolates for the rest of my life. Forever. Please don’t bother sending me anything.

* * *

 

_You have four new messages from POWER FUcker (@ Seirin)!_

POWER FUcker  _(3.02 PM):_ all of you guys are confusing shitty bastards

POWER Fucker _(@ Seirin) forwarded the following message:_

Kise _(2.59 PM):_ Throughout all my middle and high school life I’ve never been made to give a more straightforward rejection until today, Kagamicchi, but I hope you can tell that I’m trying to be subtle about it

POWER FUcker _(3.02 PM):_ I don’t fucking get it but I’m done with whatever his shitty problem is. And you knew that dogs couldn’t eat chocolate didn’t you?? We almost gave some to Nigou until Riko, of all people, intervened and said chocolates were toxic to dogs. I mean I sort of knew that from America but I disregarded it because I was naïve enough to trust you. Man you have quite the shitty personality too – all this just because the dog shat in your tow-cart that one time?

POWER FUcker _(3.02 PM):_ Then Kuroko took a bite and immediately dropped to the ground - we all thought dead - but thank god he was only unconscious. Some help??

 

Please stop all texts containing the exact or variations of the s-word. And that animal abused my cart more than “that one time”; you know it wasn’t sorry any of those times, and I’m not sorry for now either. Furthermore I only made that suggestion half-jokingly and in passing, surely anyone with a passable grasp of social cues wouldn’t have misread that? I did tell you first that you should trash it, with the implicit message that no human being or living thing otherwise should ingest them.

I’m sure your team of all teams is most well-equipped at dealing with food poisonings. I myself have personally never encountered that sort of scenario and am unable to advise-

* * *

 

_You have three new messages from COMMANDOMOJO!_

COMMANDOMOJO _(3.11 PM):_ This has never happened before and we’re all a little surprised, but are you alright? The coach and I are of an understanding that your situation must be quite serious for you to miss out on practice. Let me know if you’re able to show up later 

COMMANDOMOJO _(3.11 PM):_ But if I find out you’re in some sort of Valentine’s Day-related stump then all my sympathies are going down the drain

COMMANDOMOJO _(3.11 PM):_ alongside a few other first years I just drowned. But I doubt it, since it’s you

 

 

 

The packaging for the box of chocolates he gave to me did not have any sticker, logo or design indicating some sort of brand; things like nutrient labels, allergy warnings, silicon packets and date of expiry were all absent; the box’s design satin blue and wrapped up in a pink bow so large, there was no way it could be stuffed into anyone’s locker. The chocolates were not deformed, clearly, silicon molds had been used to create the alphabet shapes, but I don’t doubt that some degree of skill, however slight, was needed to achieve the smooth edges for the shapes… It scares me to admit, but such nuanced dedication to the task of shaping these things obviously proves that they were homemade.

I don't want to bother thinking about whatever it is Otsubo-san just implied at the end there, so I shan't. 

* * *

 

_You have two new messages from PENPINEAPPLEAPPLEHEAD!_

PENPINEAPPLEAPPLEHEAD _(3.32 PM):_ So why’re you skipping practice? You’re lucky captain and coach thinks that you’re legitimately down with something. Your best friend just started passing your garter around behind their backs, and you ought to start praying that it doesn’t wind up in their hands

PENPINEAPPLEAPPLEHEAD _(3.32 PM):_ Though I never knew you had it in you to sneak something like that into school, Midorima, I’m kinda impressed!!  

 

 

 

I might have verified that those were homemade chocolates, but that’s moot point as all the chocolates going around today are all homemade. The question is _who_ made them? No matter what he says his sister is out of the question. Did he re-gift the chocolates that some female classmates gave to him? Why? Because he was able to visually perceive that those chocolates didn’t look quite right, and designated me to be the guinea pig? Impossible. I don’t believe his visual perception skills are better than mine. And there’s no way he would have known that I would eat them. I wouldn’t have envisioned myself eating them, even. Don’t tell me he made them himself? Takao doesn’t- can’t cook- I think.

* * *

 

_You have one new message from Smallbut Fuckworthy (@ Kaijo)!_

Smallbut Fuckworthy _(3.32 PM):_ today’s not even the day for boys to be giving chocolates, but I just shoved a box anonymously into my senpai’s bag… I wonder if he’ll even notice? Heh. What depths have I fallen to, Midorimacchi…? I must have gotten influenced by Kagamicchi’s idiocy…

 

If you hadn’t included my name in there I would have thought that chunk of words was sent to the wrong person. I can’t tell if this is a call for love advice or to seek attention for your pitiful romantic advances, Kise, but either way, you might want to consider trying someone with the capacity to care, like Akashi or Kuroko. Kagami is not a bad choice either, he seems to have sympathies in abundance to spare. You can try everyone in the world, Kise, just don’t try me. I barely got a respite from the atrocities Takao forced onto me and I need to direct the last legs of my focus onto solving my own issues.

I’m on the verge of something...! 

* * *

 

_You have two new messages from PENPINEAPPLEAPPLEHEAD!_

PENPINEAPPLEAPPLEHEAD _(3.36 PM):_ News update: heaps of chocolate just started falling out of Takao’s locker when he opened it. Thing is… they were all addressed to you

PENPINEAPPLEAPPLEHEAD _(3.36 PM):_  haaaaaahahahahahhaha

* * *

 

_You have one new message from YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!_

YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!  _(3.36 PM):_ whatever Miyaji-san is telling you right now is a bold-faced lie

* * *

 

_You have one new messages from COMMANDOMOJO!_

COMMANDOMOJO _(3.48 PM):_ I’m afraid Miyaji is right, Midorima. What’s your address? I’ll get the school to send them to your home, we have a Valentines Special Delivery Service today. It’s a pretty cool thing, us and a few other Tokyo schools are all in on it

COMMANDOMOJO _(3.48 PM):_ You have some from Seirin too. Never knew you were on that friendly terms with Kagami and Kuroko, but I’m proud of you, Midorima

* * *

 

_You have three new messages from POWER FUcker (@ Seirin)!_

POWER FUcker  _(3.53 PM):_ motherfucking Kise just sent me this

_POWER Fucker (@ Seirin) forwarded the following message:_

Kise _(3.51 PM):_ I know what I said earlier, but still, will you tell me what part is it about me that you’ve developed an attraction for? 

Kise _(3.52 PM):_ if it’s not already obvious btw I’m asking this in hundred percent sincerity   

Kise _(3.52 PM):_ Please?

POWER FUcker  _(3.53 PM):_ I want out from his shit asap please advice

* * *

 

_You have two new messages from Smallbut Fuckworthy (@ Kaijo)!_

Smallbut Fuckworthy  _(4.03 PM):_ Midorimacchi!! My senpai just took out my chocolates and started eating it right during practice break!! I was watching him and he took it as though I wanted some, but instead of offering he said, “Go eat your own, Kise, don’t act like your locker isn’t bursting with them.”

Smallbut Fuckworthy  _(4.03 PM):_ Love does exist in this beautiful world, and I couldn’t be a happier man – I could die happy now, in fact. I’ll leave you alone now, Midorimacchi. It’s just that you were the only one I spoke my woes to earlier and I just wanted to let you know that they have been more or less resolved so that you don’t have to continue worrying about me

* * *

 

_You have one new message from Penis-Fuckboy (@ Touou)!_

Penis-Fuckboy  _(4.15 PM):_ Satsuki’s been sending out chocolates today using my name. I don’t know why I'm bothering to text you this but don’t fucking eat them obviously. They’re shaped like basketballs, 18 of them. Big blue box in a fucking Minnie mouse bow

Midorima _(4.16 PM)_ : But the ones I got weren’t in the shapes of basketballs?!

Penis-Fuckboy  _(4.18 PM):_??

Penis-Fuckboy _(4.19 PM):_ The fuck’s with that reaction? Why, ya ate them?

* * *

 

_You have four new messages from YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!_

YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3! _(4.08 PM):_ Look Shin-chan, I totally understand your pride thing. Some things can’t be said out loud, I know, but as your best friend and partner in life, I want you to know that I’ll be here for you no matter what… Through thick and thin, alright?

YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!  _(4.08 PM):_ So… What’s the probability that your colon couldn’t handle a few bad chocolates and has been trapping you in the toilet for half a day today away from practice, hmmm?

 _YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!  _(4.08 PM):_ _ LOL JUST KIDDING! No way that’ll happen to you; because you’re The

 _YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!  _(4.08 PM):__ MIDORIMA

 _YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!  _(4.08 PM):__ SHINTAROU

 _YOUR BESTIE TAKAO <3!  _(4.08 PM):_ _ <3

* * *

 

_You have three new messages from SEXMAN (@ Seirin)!_

SEXMAN _(4.33 PM):_ Midorima-kun. It was horrible of you to try me and poison my dog, and then still get Kagami-kun to send you chocolates. And to think I handmade you some today as well

SEXMAN _(4.33 PM):_ I almost want to wish you ill on this special day, Midorima-kun, but I know better than most that nothing good ever comes out of belittling or hurting others. Karma does come around, you know

 _SEXMAN _(4.33 PM):_ _ So Happy Valentines day, Midorima-kun. I’ll be the bigger person here on this day of love and sincerity

 

 

 

Oh shut up Kuroko.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hit a mini-block writing Takao, but got saved by the 3rd fan disc! Looks like I’m late to Valentines by a lot though


End file.
